


"I Love You" In The Form Of Acceptance

by Dubbrubz



Category: youtube - Fandom
Genre: M/M, Transgendered Nate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-04
Updated: 2017-05-04
Packaged: 2018-10-27 22:38:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10818204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dubbrubz/pseuds/Dubbrubz
Summary: This was actually pretty difficult for me to write, seeing as I went through "the change" about a year or so ago (Yes, I'm trans, female to male ^-^), so there's actually a lot of personal experiance mixed in with this. I really hope you enjoy :)





	"I Love You" In The Form Of Acceptance

**Author's Note:**

> This was actually pretty difficult for me to write, seeing as I went through "the change" about a year or so ago (Yes, I'm trans, female to male ^-^), so there's actually a lot of personal experiance mixed in with this. I really hope you enjoy :)

Nate stared at his form in the full length mirror he kept in his bedroom, sighing softly.

His fingers gently traced over the long scars that appeared on both the left and right side of his chest, his bottom lip trapped between his teeth.

He was a disgrace, as his family liked to remind him.

A freak.

A transgender male.

He closed his eyes and sucked in a breath, raking his fingers through his hair before letting the ebony orbs flutter open again, exhaling softly. He did this every morning; Worked up the courage just to get dressed, to present himself to the world.

It's not that he didn't feel comfortable like this-- That wasn't the case at all. If anything, he felt all the more better in his own skin. Confidence shined brightly in his eyes, his lips pulled into a beautiful dimpled grin.

But, sometimes, other peoples opinions just broke him. Of course, his fanbase was all the more accepting-- Enjoying his music like he was just another person. And yet, there were always a few bad apples in the bunch, a few negative Nancys that enjoyed chipping away at other people until they were a mess inside, worry and doubt bubbling under the skin as low self-esteem began to claw away at their soul.

It was horrible, sure, but, it happened.

Nate mentally reminded himself that their bitter opinions meant nothing to him. That their harshly spoken words held no reverence to him. That made a smile come to his face. He always seemed to smile a bit brighter after reminding himself this, staring just a little longer in the mirror just so he could see the beauty the world promised him he held.

He soon trudged to his closet, picking out a black button-down with his leather jacket and a pair of ripped black skinny jeans, finishing the look off with his glasses and a white beanie. The weather had been growing a bit colder during the days in California, much to everyone's surprise, which meant warm clothes and staying inside most days for him.

Once he showered and then dressed, he combed his fingers through his slightly damp raven hair after blowdrying it, offering his reflection a warm smile before slipping out of his apartment; The day ahead of him and no plans to follow.

Normally, on the days he got to relax, he went to a little cafe a few blocks away from his apartment, enjoying sunbathing in the windows of the little shop while he concocted new ideas for songs and such. It was just the break he needed from crazed schedule that normally controlled his life.

As he stepped into the shop, he sucked in a breath and smiled, the sweet scent of pastries and dark roast coffee filling his nose. The little shop was warm and comforting to him, a familiar place for him to come to.

Standing in line, he mentally decided over his breakfast, finally settling for a black coffee with a chocolate muffin. He ordered, warmly complimenting the girl at the counter as he paid and left a decent tip, to which she giggled and attempted to give him her number. He politely turned her down with a gentle smile and a soft explanation that he wasn't really looking for a relationship before heading off to find a table.

He was surprised how often that happened; Someone-- whether it be a guy or a girl, always attempted to give them their number. While he found the gesture sweet, he would still politely reject the offer of a date, simply because his life was so busy. He didn't have the time to settle down at the moment.

He dug into his jacket pocket, tugging out his phone. The device was vibrating, alerting him that he had a call from Andy, one of his closest friends and fellow musicians. He grinned brightly down at the screen and just began to answer it when he collided with someone else, sending his device and this person's half-full coffee crashing to the ground, the hot liquid splashing over their shoes and pants.

Nate's gaze quickly snapped upwards towards the stranger, a blush dusting his cheeks and apologies swimming in his eyes. "I am so sorry!"

The man in front of him seemed momentarily shocked, staring down at the other. "O-Oh, no!" He finally popped up. "That's quite alright! It was an accident."

Nate bent down and scooped up his phone, wincing slightly as he picked up the dripping device. "Well... Looks like this thing is shot." He joked with a gentle smile, trying to ease the awkward tension he could feel forming. The brunette's eyes widened at the sight of the destroyed device.

"Oh my God, I am so sorry!" The taller male felt responsible for this little collision, even though it could be faulted to both parties. "I can buy you a new one if you need it replaced."

Nate laughed sweetly, shaking his head. "Please, it was just a phone. It's not like you took one of my kidneys or anything. I can replace it in the next week or so." It was cute that this stranger seemed so worried about something he really didn't cause, about something so minuscule.

The man scratched the back of his neck. "At least let me buy you something from here. A pastry, maybe a coffee?"

"I already ordered. If anything, I should be the one offering you another coffee." He indicated to the slowly cooling liquid at their feet, a little barista already rushing over with a mop to clean the mess up.

The brunette laughed softly, shaking his head. "Oh no, that's quite alright."

"Are you sure?"

The man nodded, smiling sweetly. "Yeah, I'm sure."

Nate nodded, and for a moment, they settled into silence, stepping out of the way so the mess of coffee could be mopped up. The two took in each other's appearance, and, Nate had to admit, this guy looked pretty damn good. A bright smile, intelligent oak eyes, lean form. Hell, he was better then good. He was gorgeous.

Matt was on much the same track of thought as he peered down at the raven-haired male in front of him. His form was a beautiful mix between feminine and masculine, his eyes and smile bright enough to light up any room he walked into. And his voice... His voice was something Matt couldn't even begin to describe with words. It was practically heavenly.

The two seemed to snap out of their trances after a moment when Nate heard his name being called, leaving him to tip his head quickly, reporting he would be back in a moment.

Matt watched Nate slid up to the front with a flaunt that showed he held all the confidence in the world. He loved the sight of someone so bold, so bright and happy. It was truly beautiful.

The brunette settled for searching for a table, sitting down near the spit shined windows, his fingers tracing over the cool linoleum, tracing patterns and lines while he thought through all the theories he could begin working on once he got home.

Nate soon returned with not one coffees, but two, as well as his muffin, smiling softly. "Hey, I couldn't just let you go without a daily dose of coffee." He joked. "That shit's important." 

Matt chuckled and nodded, watching Nate sit down across from him. He took the steaming drink offered to him with a grateful smile, cupping it between his hands as he took a sip, his nose crinkling at the bitter taste of black coffee that hit his tongue. "You drink your coffee plain?" He asked curiously. Nate nodded, then dug into his pocket, pulling out a few cream and sugar packets.

"I don't exactly know what to get you, so, I decided to try my luck with this. I knew you would keep turning me down the more I asked what kind of coffee you wanted."

"So, you decided to be sneaky sneaky, eh?" Matt teased as he collected the packets of confectionaries, pouring a few of each into the strong caffeinated drink.

"Yep. Bet you weren't expecting it, huh?" The musician grinned as he slowly took off the baking paper around his muffin, humming as he also retrieved a plastic knife from his pocket, cutting the pastry in half. "Here, take half." He offered, resting the slice on the paper napkin that had been sitting under Matt's coffee. "I won't be able to eat it all and I'll feel bad eating in front of you."

Matt chuckled. This stranger was so sweet, buying him coffee and offering him half of his food. Kindness like this was rare in the world, the theorist mused as he picked up the warmed pastry, taking a bite with a pleased hum. This was nice, sharing food and company with someone, even if he didn't know their name. Since his wife, Stephanie, left him, he'd been particularly lonely, "married to his work" as he liked to joke.

But now, interacting with this smiling, bright-eyed male left his heart soaring with joy, his own smile stretching across his face.

"If you don't mind me asking," Matt started, "What's your name?"

Nate chuckled and scratched the back of his neck. "That would probably have been better to tell you earlier." He dusted his jeans off, taking a sip of coffee. "I'm Nathan Sharp."

There was a moment of silence between the two that made Nate's heart practically stop. Oh God, did this male recognize his name? Was he going to make fun of him? Dump the remainder of his coffee on him? As harsh as that sounds, it had happened on more then one occasion. But, instead, Matt tilted his head to the side curiously, humming.

"While that name sounds familiar, I don't believe I know you."

Nate choked back the sigh of relief and nodded. "I'm a musician. I do really small tours and such. I'm kind of on break at the moment."

Matt grinned. "A musician? Sounds cool. You do have a lovely voice."

Nate blushed heavily, scratching the back of his neck with his bottom lip trapped between his teeth. He was used to being told he looked good -handsome even- how he had such an amazing voice and yet, coming from this man in front of him, it made him feel so different. Normally, he was never shy in front of people, and yet, a flurry of butterflies swarmed his stomach, his heart and mind in a whirl.

However, he was sure Matt wouldn't be saying that if he knew what he was. He had a horribly sinking feeling that Matt would despise him if he knew that he was transgender. Just that label alone made him sound like he was a completely different species, like he wasn't even human. "R-Right." Nate stammered out, swallowing thickly. "Th-thank you..."

Matt noticed this and tilted his head, frowning slightly. Had he said something wrong? Wasn't it nice to complement people like this, tell them they had a lovely voice, or a beautiful smile? To tell them they looked nice that day? Didn't that normally brighten someone's day? Nate looked like the brunette's words hurt him, like he might as well have said that he despised him and everything that he stood for and loved. "Hey, are you alright?"

Nate forced himself to look up, to meet those soft oak eyes with a bright grin, the blush still dusting his cheeks. "Yeah, I'm alright. Just not used to getting compliments like that."

Matt raised an eyebrow. "Surely." There had to be fans that were absolutely in love with this wonderful man, right? If he knew anything about fanbases, and he knew a lot, fans were probably the sweetest people you could meet. What, with the touching stories of how a creator of any media got them through dark times, the time they took to create things for their favorite artists and such... There had to be at least someone, anyone, who told Nate how stunning he was.

Nate simply shrugged. "Again, not really." He cleared his throat, really wanting to push past this subject. "Anyway, what might your name be? I'm sure gorgeous isn't it, sadly."

Matt felt his own face turn red, a bubble of laughter escaping his lips. "No no, it's not. I'm Matthew Patrick. I do theories for video games and movies on YouTube."

Nate peeked over the rim of his coffee cup, taking a sip of the dark, strong smelling liquid. "Really? Sounds awesome." He flashed a dimpled grin, flicking his hair out of his face.

Matt played with the hem of his shirt, his bright smile never once fading. "Aw, nah. Not as cool as being a talented musician." Nate laughed, the sound so sweet, swimming through Matt's head. In that moment, he decided, he wanted to keep hearing that gorgeous laugh, see that beautiful smile. He wanted to see Nate happy. 

"Hey, it's not all it's cut out to be. It can actually be pretty stressful. I take my days off when I can. Though, I'm sure being a creator on YouTube must be equally difficult?"

"I wouldn't exactly say 'difficult', but challenging and a bit stressful is more of a proper way to put it. Video uploads can be pretty strenuous, especially when you don't have the energy to upload and yet you're pressed for a schedule and everyone is counting on you to upload. Some people practically live off of YouTube creator videos, after all. I imagine it's the same way with your music?"

Nate nodded in conformation. All of the fan write-ups he'd received over the years of his musical career never failed to move him, to touch his heart. There were amazing stories of survival, wonderful words of encouragement, and all in all just beautiful letters sent to him regularly, and secretly, he saved every single one, stockpiles of fan mail littering his recording studio.

"Yeah, there are tons of letters I get telling me how my music inspired them or kept them alive. It's a kind of escape from the world."

The two continued to chatter for hours on end, slowly opening up more and more with each other, playfully flirting back and forth. Though, each time Matt gave him a compliment, he could see it chip at something inside of the smaller male bit by bit, as if his words actually hurt. His smile would fall ever so slightly, his eyes would dull bit by bit with a contained sadness that practically broke the brunette's heart. Something wasn't right here.

Though, he knew speaking directly about it would be rude, considering they just met and Nate probably wouldn't be comfortable pouring out whatever was hurting him on a somewhat stranger. He knew trust had to be built, a friendship developed before anything like that happened. So, that's what he persued to do. He wanted to help this beautiful human being feel better about himself, to know that he was indeed gorgeous, that he indeed had an amazing voice.

He wanted to help.

Which prompted the next words that fell from his stumbling mouth; "Would you like to catch dinner with me later?"

Nate was in a bit of a shock. Did Matt really just ask him out to dinner? _Him?_

He wanted to back peddle and make up an excuse. He wanted to lie and say he was busy, wanted to down right decline the offer, and yet, he couldn't push himself to do it. Each compliment from Matt felt like the searing pain of a whip dancing harshly over his skin, stabbing icy daggers into his heart, and yet, he craved more. He craved more of the bitter agony that was produced by Matt's poisonous words. He craved more of that sweetly laced voice, more of that gorgeous smile.

Those oak eyes kept him paralyzed as he found his mouth creating the words that burned his mouth like hellfire before he could stop his brain from conjuring them. "I would love to." The smile that Matt gave made his aching heart pound in his ears like a bass drum. Everything about Matt when he was pleased or happy with something fascinated Nate. He loved those perfect teeth pulled into a blinding smile, the little crows feet crinkles the brunette would get on the corners of his eyes when he smiled or laughed.

He wanted the bittersweet that this man could provide him. No one else in this whole world held his captivated attention like Matthew Patrick could.

And now, he was here months later; His back pressed to his couch, Matt hovering over him. They hungrily engulfed each others lips, fingers tangling in hair and grazing over skin, grabbing and holding on possessively. This was the first time they had ever gotten this intimate and heated with each other, almost sloppy; Nate shying away any time Matt would try to gently lift his shirts off while they lazily made out on late evenings or when the early rays of sun danced over the hardwood floors.Now, Nate could barely think of what was happening. The whispered sweet nothings that Matt muttered into his gauged ears while he lightly tugged on the cartilage hurt, the pain from the sweet words chewing away at him until he was a mess, exhaling out with breathless pleas of Matt's name. He wanted this. He didn't even realize Matt had his shirt off until a gasp left the brunette, his eyebrows knit with concern. "Nate, honey, what happened...?"

Nate was snapped back to reality out of his foggy trance at Matt's dumbstruck awe, quickly scampering out from under the larger male, swallowing thickly. "M-Matt..."

The brunette didn't look disgusted or enraged, but, instead that look of concern never fell as he gently cupped Nate's cheeks in his hands. "Sweetheart, you can tell me what happened. I won't be mad."

God, those words drove iron spikes into his heart, razor wire wrapped around his lungs. All the pain that had built up over the few months finally crashed down on him as Matt stared at the large scars on his chest, tears pooling in his sweet ebony eyes. "Y-You'll hate me."

Matt looked up, appalled. This wasn't aimed at Nate, however, but his words. Hate him? "Why on Earth would you say that?"

"Wh-what I am...." Nate hiccuped, tears dumping down his cheeks as the pads of Matt's fingers brushed them away, his shoulders trembling. "W-What I did..."

"Nate, beautiful, please. I won't think of you any different. Just, tell me where these came from." Matt's fingers gently traced over the scars, his fingers so soft and warm over the pale tissue.

The ebony haired musician whimpered, closing his eyes, the tears stinging his eyelids. "I'm not originally a guy." He finally admitted, pulling away from Matt's hands to hug himself, his head bowed. "I-I'm transgender."

Matt was silent for a moment. Was that what had been bugging Nate? Why he couldn't take compliments and sweet words? Because he was terrified that Matt would leave him? That once he found out what he was, he would do nothing but taunt and insult him?

"Nate..." Matt gently pried the musician's arms away from his small frame, gently tipping his head up, the pad of his thumb resting on his chin as he held his wrists with his other hand. "Sweetie, look at me..." 

Nate didn't want to make eye contact, expecting to see hatred, disappointment or bitterness in those amazing oak orbs. And yet, there was nothing but undying affection and understanding, the sweetest smile pulling at his lips. "You're absolutely amazing, no matter what gender you are. No matter what happens, I will never stop loving you. Not now, not ever. Do you understand?"

Nate's lips quivered, the tears rushing down his face in a much more swift progression as a beautiful dimpled grin pulled at his lips. He nodded, allowing Matt to sweep his lips into another sweet kiss, the brunette pushing him back before lining kisses down his chest, his lips brushing over the scars as he continued to breathe sweet nothings and 'I love you's, the words swimming and swarming through Nate's head.

Yet, what screamed "I love you" the loudest was the acceptance Matt was offering.


End file.
